I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
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If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.