My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
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what’s more important?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Is this a threat?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel