The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
4 pm:
5 pm:
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9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge