[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.