I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Great Canadian literature.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse