I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
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*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos