my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
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Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.