me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist