I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
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If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
#DesignFail
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”