Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Me too 😆
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.