[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*