Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
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[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.