THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I feel this so hard
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Owl Sanctuary
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong