A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.