Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
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Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.