ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Oh my God.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.