Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]