Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.