tell em, edith-anne
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Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat