I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
You Might Also Like
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”