I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”