My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are