My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
You Might Also Like
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Banana is the quietest snack
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”