Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.