My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299