I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
You Might Also Like
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.