It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.