I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
You Might Also Like
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?