Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.