“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun