The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
You Might Also Like
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild