I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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why does this building look like a guilty dog
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
That was easy.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet