I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec