I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.