My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Cashiers are always checking me out
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”