friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
You Might Also Like
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Life cycle of cat
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.