Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
*Seductively hides in the woods
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*