Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.