[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
doing some research
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them