Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
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FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes