In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
just witnessed a drug deal
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
mechanics be like
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room