lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW