Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today