When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.