I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
it is time once again
WHY would you be happy about this?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.