Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
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– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.