[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’d rather go liquor treating.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Spotted in New Orleans.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.