Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.