It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
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well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.