When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
getting groceries
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please